Hakuna Matata Hakuna Matata Hakuna Matata Hakuna Matata Hakuna Matata Hakuna Matata
"Don't worry" is the empathy of dipshits. You may as well tell people, I don't care about you, but I need to say something to pretend I do. "Don't worry.""I am not worried.""It's okay to pee under the shower.""I don't pee under the shower, that's disgusting, what made you say that, ew, who does that?""Don't … Continue reading Hakuna Matata Hakuna Matata Hakuna Matata Hakuna Matata Hakuna Matata Hakuna Matata
19 ways to name a baby
Cave: I s h m a e lRenaissance: Call me Ishmael.Baroque: My name once was, happens to be, and somehow still is, Ishmael.Cubism: Call me [Ishmael].Classicism: Please, thou can address yours truly, Noble Ishmael.Rococo: The name's Ishmael, Ishmael's the name, name the's Ishmael.Impressionism: For those who think I need an introduction, appelez-moi Ishmae.Expressionism: The self … Continue reading 19 ways to name a baby
Let me answer your question with another question
From playing the Banjo to writing non-fiction erotica to raising your kids religious, you can learn how to do any of it in under hundred bucks. Although if you want to learn all three, you need to buy my course: making a murderer. The Internet is a fat-fatigue of information. The assembly of yottabytes along … Continue reading Let me answer your question with another question
Now, fly
This essay is dedicated to everyone that's offended me. I forgive you. Don't get in touch though, I am not forgiving you that much. Forgiveness is like the sun — you never look at it directly. Not until you see anger has made you blind already. A few know their way around anger, its purgatory … Continue reading Now, fly
The epiphany you have been looking for
I woke up one morning and realized my entire life's a farce. Why have I been doing shit I don't like doing for so long? (It's not really relevant what, because we both know there always is something.) The agony of my illumination, the familiar pain of having missed out on something so obvious was … Continue reading The epiphany you have been looking for
Where are you going?
There's a GPS-based superstition in my cult. When someone's heading out, you are forbidden from asking them where they are going. It brings them bad luck. I was 8 and a bedwetter when Grandma told me this. She looked at me like I was a serial killer every time I asked the question, so I … Continue reading Where are you going?
Cry babies
Everything sucks. The Wi-Fi.The Weather.The Phone.The Food.The Job.The Joint.The Music.The Mankind.This Alliteration.That Alligator. All right. I feel better. Let's get started. There was a time not long back when we all went apeshit over positive thinking. You know the time when we all pretended not to notice Rimy was sad, and when she started crying, … Continue reading Cry babies
What if
What if you had all the money in the world? All the love. The fame. Power. Besides getting a penis extension and a face tattoo, what else would you do? Most of us have the same usual crap bucket: Travel the world, cure a disease, and tell everyone how to live their lives. You can … Continue reading What if
Writer’s block
There are two types of people in the world... The one type believes writer's block is real and that there are days when you can't put a single word on the page because you have forgotten how to write and may never write again and you make yourself feel better by imagining how dying alone … Continue reading Writer’s block
