How to write the perfect Tweet

I have been trying to write succinctly. K. Why do I take 500 words to prove how willfully stupid I am, while most others can do it in under 140 characters?

Thus began my attempt to write the perfect Tweet: Everything I can say about the extreme emptiness of my life, in 140 characters. So here it is, the perfect Tweet:

Hannah Abbott, Lord Voldemort, Rose Weasley, Minerva McGonagall, Ariana Dumbledore, Marge Dursley, Pansy Parkinson, Cormac McLaggen, Rolanda Hooch, Dennis Creevey, Mundungus Fletcher, Albus Severus Potter, Draco Malfoy, Bellatrix Lestrange, Viktor Krum, Thomas Riddle Jr., Godric Gryffindor, Arabella Figg, John Dawlish, Sirius Black, Xenophilius Lovegood, Charlie Weasley, Filius Flitwick, Charity Burbage, Alecto Carrow, Fleur Delacour, Quirinus Quirrell, Lavender Brown, Olympe Maxime, Rubeus Hagrid, Nymphadora Tonks, Garrick Ollivander, Marietta Edgecombe, Andromeda Tonks, Lily Potter, Colin Creevey, Percival Dumbledore, Nicolas Flamel, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Pius Thicknesse, Madam Malkin, Scorpius Malfoy, Corban Yaxley, Marvolo Gaunt, Amelia Bones, Susan Bones, Lily Luna Potter, Pomona Sprout, Amos Diggory, Cedric Diggory, Reginald Cattermole, James Potter, Rita Skeeter, Dean Thomas, Poppy Pomfrey, Terry Boot, Mary Riddle, Hugo Weasley, Silvanus Kettleburn, Elphias Doge, Walden Macnair, Ginny Weasley, Katie Bell, Moaning Myrtle, Hermione Granger, Narcissa Malfoy, Arthur Weasley, Sturgis Podmore, Seamus Finnigan, Sybill Trelawney, Lucius Malfoy, Eloise Midgen, Demelza Robins, George Weasley, Griselda Marchbanks, Ludo Bagman, Albus Dumbledore, Dudley Dursley, Barty Crouch Jr, Phineas Nigellus Black, Augusta Longbottom, Dedalus Diggle, Dirk Cresswell, Rufus Scrimgeour, Vernon Dursley, Neville Longbottom, Oliver Wood, Igor Karkaroff, Gabrielle Delacour, Stan Shunpike, Luna Lovegood, Mafalda Hopkirk, Bob Ogden, Alastor Moody, Thorfinn Rowle, Salazar Slytherin, Irma Pince, Ted Tonks, Wilhelmina Grubbly-Plank, Bertha Jorkins, Alicia Spinnet, Theodore Nott, Vincent Crabbe, Argus Filch, Gregorovitch, Severus Snape, Fred Weasley, Blaise Zabini, Romilda Vane, Frank Bryce, Molly Weasley, Penelope Clearwater, Astoria Greengrass, Barty Crouch Sr, Aberporth Dumbledore, Ernie Macmillan, Cho Chang, Kendra Dumbledore, Morfin Gaunt, Thomas Riddle Sr., Aurora Sinistra, Horace Slughorn, Bathilda Bagshot, Wilkie Twycross, Emmeline Vance, Cornelius Fudge, Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, Merope Gaunt, Cuthbert Binns, Petunia Dursley, Angelina Johnson, Anthony Goldstein, Lee Jordan, Fenrir Greyback, Alice and Frank Longbottom, Parvati Patil, Gilderoy Lockhart, James Sirius Potter, Millicent Bulstrode, Padma Patil, Percy Weasley, Septima Vector, Bill Weasley, Helena Ravenclaw/The Grey Lady, Graham Montague, Zacharias Smith, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Gregory Goyle, Gellert Grindelwald, Albert Runcorn, Newt Scamander, Antonin Dolohov, Ron Weasley, Amycus Carrow, Augustus Rookwood, Thomas Marvolo Riddle.

If you are going, but, hey, this is well over 140 characters, you are right. It’s 157 characters—you are good, very good. I hope you tweet. The world needs more like you.

If you want to convert this into a book, please feel free. My only request is that you call the book: “The subtle art of not giving a what’s the world for two people having sex that begins with an F and ends with a K and has the letter U and C in between?” I would like the subtitle, which you may have guessed by now if you are smart, to be, “Procreation for pros.”

If you are wondering, “is there a point to any of this?” to you I shall only say, in not so tweetable dialect, “No. Nah.”

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