My 13-step editing process

What I have so far: Prosaic nauseate that’s sat in a document for 1-24 months/the first draft.

1. This is unsalvageable. Is this what doomsday feels like?

2. Let me begin by throwing in some words that make it sound like this essay is both distant from and yet proximally wreathed in the hoi polloi whose bullshit it calls out. (Put in at least one self-deprecating factoid lest you come off as a sanctimonious asswad.)

3. Reads like dilettante disgorge drizzled with cocoa nibs.

4. Re-write beginning.

5. Looks good. Will get on the rest tomorrow.

6. (Next day) What was I thinking? I need some music to get through this.

7. What’s the point I am making, anyway?

8. I looked and realized I am not making one/a point really, so I will just make it look like that’s what’s deep about the whole thing, by metaphorizing it with life.

9. Re-write middle and SHUT THE MUSIC, IT’S ANNOYING

10. Let me look for the picture that goes best with this essay.

11. I have no idea how to end this, so I am just going to move some paragraphs around.

12. The title of this is [my] 13-step editing process, so I just need one more point.

13. DO THIS, THIS AND THIS IF YOU WANT TO BE AWESOME, Or not, Either way: up to you, You can do anything you want to, I already told you I am an idiot, so don’t listen to me, listen to life–;)–Look, maybe if you read this deeply enough, spent like an hour or two with it, you can traverse the yawning void that is your brief, boner-filled reality, but what do I care, I write for myself anyway, and I feel such an exhilarated relief knowing this has come to an end (#blessed), and as tempted as I am to give this one more read because I know it’s riddled with rudimentary compositional absurdities, I choose not to because I am hungry and don’t want to aggrieve my appetite, so it’s your problem now, toodles bitches.