Grab a barf bag—we are going to talk feelings. You know, the thing men and women fake to get in and out of coitus, respectively. Girlfriend: "My Grandma is unwell and I am really worried."Me: "Well my Grandma's dead, and I am not making a big fuss." Humor. Feeling's birth control pill. Growing up in … Continue reading Marry me, Sylvia
6:30 AM."What happened to all the girls you were dating? Did you cheat all of them?"That's the surprise quiz I woke up to when I found myself back home the time a Bat shut down the world. Apocalypse notwithstanding, it's when I realized none of this shit was usual. You know how when you hear … Continue reading Should we get a peacock?
I just ate a mango—which, despite everything, still tastes like summer, put my phone on the ventilator, pinch-cleaned my glasses with an already sagging t-shirt, filled a jug of water with more water, trapped a spider in a glass and carefully introduced it out of the window—because, I read somewhere that spiders snuggle with their … Continue reading Oh, sit down
A guy goes to the doctor and says he's been feeling miserable for many weeks now. The doctor says, "You must go watch the comic, Pete. You will feel better instantly.""But, doc: I am Pete."
There will come a time when you'll call for help. "Helllllpppppp!!" No, not like that. More like, "I am thinking of starting a Podcast." And there will be a time when you will be called upon. "Helllllpppppp me, thee with the tiny prick!!" No, no. More like, "I eat alone because I am an introvert." … Continue reading I see you
Do this.Don't do that. Do this.Don't do that. Do this.Don't do that. Do this.Don't do that. Do this.Don't do that. Do this.Don't do that. Do this.Don't do that. End of tour.Exit through the giftshop.
Open offices. 360-degree feedback. Hybrid work. Workplace fads are like episodes of Keeping up with the Kardashians. There's a shitload of them, they only get progressively dumber, and they all ask the same question: can you tell which one is fake? The latest casualty in workplace varnish: Sad days. If you are feeling sad, you … Continue reading Thoughts & Prayers
Disciple: Describe God.Master: Describe the fragrance of a rose.Rose,If tenderness were a scent, this is what it would smell like.If separation were a scent, this is what it would smell like, plucked and five days later.Rose,If grace were a scent, this is what it would smell like.If innocence were a scent.The rose smells like a … Continue reading The fragrance of a rose
I am not motivated to write today. Every sentence is a chore. Drag. Draaag. And yet, Sunday after Sunday, motivation or not, "welcome to the show. I am so happy to be doing this. Oh, what a great life!" That is what it must feel like to be wealthy. Here's one gag you will hear … Continue reading Singing