The people I write for are dead. Doing something for its own sake used to be creativity's Kumbh Mela. Now it resembles one guy grunting in the gym. You have my attention and it's because I want to knee you in the groin. Doing something for its own sake doesn't mean you don't care what … Continue reading The koan of creation
Follow your dreams Stay hungry. Stay foolish. The Great wall K for Concussion No return. No exchange. Photo sir Photo N95
You know how you luv something so much you believe you can't live without it, and a few years later you hate that thing, and you hate yourself for loving it so, and you now want to disappear because you pledged your life for that thing, on Facebook. You know, like your ex-girlfriend. Or that … Continue reading How often should you change your underwear?
"Don't worry" is the empathy of dipshits. You may as well tell people, I don't care about you, but I need to say something to pretend I do. "Don't worry.""I am not worried.""It's okay to pee under the shower.""I don't pee under the shower, that's disgusting, what made you say that, ew, who does that?""Don't … Continue reading Hakuna Matata Hakuna Matata Hakuna Matata Hakuna Matata Hakuna Matata Hakuna Matata
Cave: I s h m a e lRenaissance: Call me Ishmael.Baroque: My name once was, happens to be, and somehow still is, Ishmael.Cubism: Call me [Ishmael].Classicism: Please, thou can address yours truly, Noble Ishmael.Rococo: The name's Ishmael, Ishmael's the name, name the's Ishmael.Impressionism: For those who think I need an introduction, appelez-moi Ishmae.Expressionism: The self … Continue reading 19 ways to name a baby
From playing the Banjo to writing non-fiction erotica to raising your kids religious, you can learn how to do any of it in under hundred bucks. Although if you want to learn all three, you need to buy my course: making a murderer. The Internet is a fat-fatigue of information. The assembly of yottabytes along … Continue reading Let me answer your question with another question
This essay is dedicated to everyone that's offended me. I forgive you. Don't get in touch though, I am not forgiving you that much. Forgiveness is like the sun — you never look at it directly. Not until you see anger has made you blind already. A few know their way around anger, its purgatory … Continue reading Now, fly
I woke up one morning and realized my entire life's a farce. Why have I been doing shit I don't like doing for so long? (It's not really relevant what, because we both know there always is something.) The agony of my illumination, the familiar pain of having missed out on something so obvious was … Continue reading The epiphany you have been looking for
There's a GPS-based superstition in my cult. When someone's heading out, you are forbidden from asking them where they are going. It brings them bad luck. I was 8 and a bedwetter when Grandma told me this. She looked at me like I was a serial killer every time I asked the question, so I … Continue reading Where are you going?